2020 : Power in Imperfection

My Imperfect Iceman 2019

Imperfection is human. 2020 is going to be a year of celebrating mine and others’ humanity - imperfections and all. I’ve been reflecting a lot on where I’ve been, who I’ve been, and where I want to go. One thing I’ve started to realize is how much I struggle with being human. I’ve lived a lot of my life with a primary goal of to simply just not mess up. I’ve functioned really well in situations where the rules are clear, metrics set, and there are objective markers of success (as determined by other people). I've been able to work really hard and am usually able to check the box. Of course, that means over time you only pursue the boxes you know you can check- the fear of not being able to becomes paralyzing. I could spend hours and hours talking about how or why I’ve lived this way and while it’s been exceedingly helpful to dismantle some ideas that I’d deeply held as “truths” as part of this process, but this post is about looking forward. About not letting my human-ness prevent me from being my best me.


I wrote this Facebook post after reflecting on a Facebook memory about signing up for the Marji 50 in 2019:

As I was writing this, I realized that something in my thinking had shifted. After signing up for the Marji 50 (and telling everyone I'd done so), I’d spent just over 9 months moving forward towards something I wasn't sure I could do. Each day, little by little. It was always on my mind. Sometimes it was just a 15 minute HIIT workout when parenting duties demanded something quick, sometimes a huge ride with Steve on challenging trails, sometimes a day of rest. Always looking forward. It makes sense that that’s how I approached the race too. Not looking at mileage, time, or speed. Just always moving forward, until eventually I’d finished.


Afterwards, I couldn’t bring myself to buy the finisher t-shirt. There were a few reasons, but the main one being that I’d become so attached to the process. I wasn’t finished. I’d also started seeing this shift in focus move into other areas of my life. Things that had once seemed insurmountable, suddenly seemed possible if I just tackled it piece by piece. I also learned that this forward motion is not always linear. That I am human. There’s going to be missed rides, illness, competing priorities... the important thing is to keep. moving. forward.


This part is going to get a bit personal. I’ve tried for a long time to be what everyone else wanted me to be (with varying success). In general, I’d become pretty good at it, but it’s a precarious thing to depend on other people to validate your self worth. In that pursuit, you will inevitably lose yourself. Other factors- like the challenge of motherhood- can help speed it along too. At the point in my life when I started mountain biking, I felt completely lost and had nothing left in the tank to give. I’m coming up on my 4 year anniversary of my first ride. A lot has changed and I have changed. I continue to struggle through the process of understanding who I am, what I’m about, and what I can give while setting and enforcing boundaries to protect the fresh growth that often feels so fragile. It’s been a path filled with 3am panicky wake-ups and vicious thought cycles that are difficult to stop. I know when I’m in the throws of this discomfort, I’m growing. The comfort zone that I was too terrified to leave for way too long is expanding. Knowing at my core that my intentions are good even though I’m imperfect, helps me to move forward from mistakes and not let shame and negative thoughts take over. It’s terrifying and exhilarating. I know that there will be people in my life that won’t understand and may not like the changing me, but I’m starting to really grasp how much of that is simply none of my business. At the end of the day, I believe in what I’m doing and that it’s the best way that I can positively impact my family and community. There will be flaws in my execution and it will be my job to right the course, but the journey is mine. I’ll talk more about my non-riding plans later, but this year is going to be a huge balancing act between riding goals, non-riding goals, and supporting my family in their goals as well.


As far as my 2020 riding plans go, the only races completely set-in-stone this year are Marji Gesick (100) and Iceman. I’m planning on the Hanson Hills 50 again in May and possibly 8 hrs of Ithaca in July for some long, endurance training and nutrition testing. My busy season at work limits travel during the summer, so I have to play it by ear. The rest of my riding plan is most likely going to be big rides with Steve and anyone else who wants in on the fun. I’m still trying to find the right balance of “training” and just doing more of what I love to do- riding with my favorite people. I feel like moving up to the 100 as a goal will need me to incorporate more of the former, but I’m still working out how much. I have a trainer now, so I’m supplementing with TrainerRoad. One benefit of the trainer that I didn’t realize until I started using it was that it has allowed me to be a better group rider by not having the pressure of the ride needing to achieve some kind of training purpose. Now I can enjoy a nice chat as a sweep without worrying about the opportunity cost (apologies in advance for whoever ends up having to listen to my rambling- you can tell me to shut up anytime). I also have some other major projects in the works that will require a lot of time and energy, so I think the trainer will be an important piece to fill in the gaps in an efficient way.


One last thing that has made all the difference and allowed me to take on these goals is the support system that I've found through mountain biking. It's always easier to risk falling when you have people that will catch you. I've been so lucky to have people like that on my team. 

I’m really, really excited about 2020 and plan to keep moving imperfectly forward! 

Starting 2020 off right with the Fat-Ish